Seriously on hold

I have no life . . . I'm not reading my Bible; I'm not studying 1 Peter; I'm not listening to the series I ordered from New Heights. I work, and work is my life. But I'm tired. Exhausted, actually. I go to work, then I come home and crash.

I don't want to think about my personal life, so I occupy my mind with work.

On and off topic

This is a boring blog, but I've been extremely busy. I did, however, order the 1 Peter series on CDs from New Heights Church. I haven't yet listened to them again. I'm going to listen to them during my commute to and from work this week. The downside to this is that I won't be able to take notes while I'm listening, and I really wanted to do that so I could blog about it. I'll have to put some thought into that . . . It's too bad they don't come with sermon notes, but I'm not complaining--I'm happy that I'm able to get a copy at all (and I didn't have to go to the church to pick it up! Sorry, but that would have made me feel too uncomfortable . . . ).

It's funny how things turn out . . . A year or so ago, a woman that I played tennis with at the time had been encouraging me to go to a singles group at her church. She even brought me some information on the group, but I never went. You see, I'm Catholic. I was interested, but I was worried that I would be judged by this group (some protestants don't consider Catholics "saved").

So . . . my friend who originally loaned me the series on 1 Peter (yes, the friend who is no longer a friend--I really should make up names for these people!) goes to a single parents group at New Heights. And yes, New Heights is the church where my tennis friend goes. Same church, and as it turns out . . . same singles group. I was browsing the website and looked at the singles groups--he goes to the same group she was trying to get me to join.

What really stinks about all of this is that this church is within walking distance from my house, and I really like the pastor's teaching, but I can't go there.

I consider this my other friend's "safe place." He has really been through a lot, and this church is where he has gone to heal. He has deep relationships there. I don't. But before I moved here, I had a church home that was my "safe place," the place where I went to heal. Then someone started going there because I was there, and it was no longer that safe haven for me--I felt like my "safe place" had been invaded.

Anyhow, I don't want to go there because anyone else is there, but I still think he would feel like I had invaded his "safe place," and I don't want to do that. Besides, it would feel weird.

It is kind of funny though--it's too bad I didn't visit the group back when my tennis friend was encouraging me to go. Maybe the other friendship might have gone a little differently if it had begun there (with Jesus in the mix) instead . . .

Faith is a choice

I realized this morning that faith is a choice. The hard part is continuing to make the "faith choice." However, I can never truly abandon my faith . . . no matter how thin it gets. I know because I've been there--I've been so angry with God that I want to turn and run away from him, yet I can't.

So now I'm choosing to have faith even though much of the time I don't feel it. It's hard to trust God when I feel like he has let me down. I want to though . . . I'm just worried that I'll put my trust in him, totally . . . then he'll let me fall through the cracks. Maybe it's because I don't really feel like I deserve his love. I don't know. I don't really want my mind to go down that path tonight.

So instead . . . I'll choose to have faith and worry about how I feel tomorrow.

But what if I fail?

So . . . I finally started reading 1 Peter. I was surprised to find it highlighted, underlined, etc, multiple times . . . as if I had read it over and over. But I'm stuck here:

These [trials] have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:7

That was both underlined and highlighted. I also highlighted the notes below:

1:7 that your faith . . . may be proved genuine. See Ro 5:3; Jas 1:2-4. Not only is the faith itself precious, but Peter's words indicate that the trial of faith is also valuable. glory. A key word in 1,2 Peter.

So now I wonder . . . what if I fail? What if my faith isn't genuine? Why am I so afraid? I'm not sure I'm ready for this . . .

Moving forward . . . 1 Peter

This is supposed to be a faith (or lack of faith) journey, so I decided that I should probably pick up my Bible instead of having my little pity party. Also, I ordered that sermon series, Hope in Hard Times today. I'm not sure how long it will take to arrive, but a funny thing happened recently. Hope in Hard Times is a study on 1 Peter. Years (I mean YEARS) ago, I was a Precept Upon Precept leader, and I started an In-and-Out study with a group of teens on . . . 1 Peter. They weren't quite ready for the inductive study that I planned to use, so we chose something different. But I still have the materials--in fact, they practically jumped into my hands when I was taking my Christmas ornaments out to the garage. 1 Peter. So I grabbed the study materials and brought them in the house . . . and I grabbed my Bible.

There was a pencil stuck between the pages with this scripture underlined:

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Romans 8:37

Above that I had scribbled "More than conquerors!"

But before my underlined passage, it reads as follows:

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." Romans 35-36

It looks like I had faith back then . . . well, at least I had hope. That was when I felt close to God--I hope I can feel that closeness again.

The Tree

I finally took my Christmas tree down today. Well, I'm in the process of taking it down . . . I had to take a break after removing the ornaments--I feel like I'm running a fever again. Hopefully, the tree will soon be packed away.

I've been avoiding the tree. Decorating for Christmas is always hard because I am assaulted by memories. This year, I made new memories . . . and I had help putting the tree up. Now I'm being assaulted by those memories as I put the decorations away . . .

I think I'll skip Christmas next year and run away on a cruise . . .

Then again, maybe my focus wasn't where it was supposed to be this Christmas.

[Tree update: The tree is down, but I couldn't fit it into the box. And I fell trying to take the angel off the top . . . I had forgotten that my stool was broken, and it collapsed when I stepped on it. I fell on my glass coffee table, then onto the floor. I am thankful that not only was I not hurt (beyond an ugly bruise), but the table didn't break when I fell on it!]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wrote previously about emailing the pastor from New Heights Church, Matt Hannan. I decided to email him again this morning--this time he responded. He did get my last email, but based on my email, he didn't feel the need to respond.

I shouldn't be so sensitive and judgmental, but I was looking at it from a different perspective. In my mind, a pastor is different from the rest of us--they are shepherds, they represent Jesus in a way that most of us don't have an opportunity to do. So I have that little "WWJD" in the back of my mind whenever I communicate with pastors or priests. If I emailed Jesus and told him I loved his teaching, how would he respond? Hmmmmm, I think he would ask me how I was applying it . . . OK, enough about Jesus . . . How would I respond if someone emailed me and told me they liked my teaching? I would reply with "Thank you."

But he is a busy pastor at a large church, you say. I sure hope Jesus isn't too busy . . . his church is huge.

I know, I'm not being very Christ-like at all. It isn't my place to judge . . . especially after all the things I've done lately--much worse than not responding to one stupid email. And he's just an imperfect man, not Jesus. He's an imperfect man who is actually making a huge impact for Jesus.

What am I doing for Jesus? Nothing. Now that is something I need to spend some time thinking about. But I just don't feel like I can do anything for Jesus . . . My response to "who are you" has been "I am a beloved child of God" for years . . . Now I'm more of a "red-headed step-child."

I'm just tired of trying and always failing.

Anyhow, he responded to the last email, and I ordered the sermon series that I had borrowed from my friend--I'm going to listen to it again . . . it really was good, and maybe it will help with what I'm going through now. Maybe. I'm more than a little pessimistic right now, but I haven't given up.

The end of a friendship

I woke up thinking about the friend I wrote about in this post--the friend whose faith attracted me. This is also the friendship I ruined first by being needy, then by being . . . extremely unkind and inappropriate to him. Now I wish we could go back to the beginning of our friendship, but it's too late. Time and actions can't be reversed, words can't be taken back. Some lessons are painful to learn.

I remember when he invited me to study the Bible with him . . . I said yes initially, but then I turned him down. I wanted to, but I was becoming too attached to him . . . I wish I had made different decisions.

I'm confused.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

About blogging . . . I'm not sure I'm going to continue this blog. I wanted to blog about my faith journey without getting personal, but that is almost impossible. OK, it is clearly impossible. And I go from wanting to hide the blog to wanting to share it. So it just sits here . . . open, but unread. What is the point? I don't know . . .

I just want God to hear me.

Are you depressed?

I'm am lucky. I guess I should say I'm blessed . . . but I'm not at that place right now. I am lucky though--I have some wonderful friends.

I've been ill . . . for about a month now. First, I thought I had a cold, or the flu. Then I thought it was a sinus infection . . . so I started taking antibiotics. But almost a week after starting the antibiotics, I was still sick. I've been going to bed as soon as I get home from work. I saw my doctor yesterday, who prescribed a different antibiotic and is testing me for mono. And a friend asked me if I'm depressed . . . I love her. I assured her that I'm not depressed . . . although I have been. This is different . . . I'm really sick.

Unfortunately, being sick seems to affect everything else . . . like how I'm feeling mentally, spiritually . . . everything. I just hope I feel better soon . . .

Exhaustion

Today, I worked for ten hours non-stop, no breaks, no lunch . . . After work, I stopped on my way home and had dinner alone at a sushi bar. And now, as early as it is, I am going to bed. I love my job, but I don't have much of a life.

Nightmares

I woke up around 3 am this morning from this nightmare:

I was returning home from somewhere with suitcases in hand. I felt alarmed because the light was on in my garage, and the door was open . . . I felt anxious because I realized someone had been there while I was away. When I walked into my home, the windows had been shattered and everything inside was broken.

I woke up feeling torn apart and violated . . . so I prayed for protection. I drifted off to sleep again and dreamed of waterfalls . . .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is what I love about blogging . . . I can write and get something out of my system without emailing someone who doesn't want to hear from me.

What to say, what to pray . . .

I'm so tired, I'm not sure what to pray . . . I've been making very poor choices lately, ruined a friendship beyond repair, and I don't even understand why I'm hurting.

Now I'm questioning . . . everything. I've been listening to Casting Crown's "Voice of Truth" . . . I can relate to these words:

But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But these are the next lines:

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"

This is where I get hung up--how can this be for his glory? I'm tired . . . and I just don't understand. Where is God when I really need him? Is he going to let me fall through the cracks? He has told me over and over not to be afraid, but I am afraid.

Why won't he help me to be who he wants me to be? Why won't he show his plan and purpose for my life in a way I can understand? If he is answering my prayers, why can't I hear him? What is wrong with me?

Faith: hanging by a thread . . .

About a year ago, I was incredibly hurt by someone I love. I'm not going to write about the details, but this was a turning point--downward--in my faith journey. After my initial anger with God, I slowly returned, but my faith has been shaky at best.

Then I met someone very different, someone who genuinely seemed to turn to Christ in the midst of his pain. I was in awe, and wanted to be more like him. I wondered if God was using this man to draw me back. Then this friend shared a sermon series from his church titled "Hope in Hard Times: a study on 1 Peter." Well, I think that was the title--I've since returned the CDs.

I listened to the CDs and loved the pastor's teaching. I felt open to learning more . . . And I emailed the pastor. He never responded--I didn't even get a canned response from the church. I guess he is more interested in talking than listening. That is how I felt, anyhow.

I want to listen to the series again . . . and write my thoughts as I listen. It won't be easy though because when I saved the sermons to iTunes, iTunes recognized the CDs as Pink Floyd's Animals and other similar CDs . . . but I saved them.

So how do I feel at the moment? I feel like God has abandoned me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

January 24, 2009: I located a different email address for this pastor--Matt Hannan . . . I want to email him, but now I'm afraid. Maybe I was wrong about him . . . I wish I could sort the sermons on my iPod . . . I think I will listen to them one more time . . . randomly.

Because I just need to write . . .

I've blogged in the past, and I thought I'd never blog again. I'm not sure I want anyone reading what I have to say. But I need to say it. I'm losing my faith, and I don't trust God any longer. There, I've said it. What next?